My Second Biggest Weakness

"stupid"

"worthless"

"a joke"

"everyone is laughing at you"

"they're all better than you"

the deep pressure

they say that life's ability to grind you to dust

is only challenged by its will to turn you

into a precious gem

from humble beginnings to paths chosen

i often became frozen in place, stuck by the same blockades

of depression and disappointment that took point

perpetuating plots and casting shadows

over my head that kept me from moving forward

past the pain

i hope i move forward someday.

I have this problem.

 

It's a reoccurring issue that tends to spiral out of control in my life. Most days, it won't bother me to much. Other days it'll show up like, "HEY! Bet you'll never guess who we thought of!" What annoys me about this kryptonite is that it's nothing that I was born with, but inherently and inadvertently gained as a result of its principles being drilled into my mind and heart. 

Comparison.

A deadly disease I have been fighting with for years. Injected into my being by those whom I called family and ONLY known cure, I hadn't known nor discovered of until I was in my 20's. So you can imagine what a time it was for me to have to put up with the amount of crap this brought to my life. The pedestals you're placed on, the bar everyone sets for you to reach, the expectations that you're "meant" to meet, when navigating through life in comparison to everyone else. All worthless efforts in the long run, but all of which I stupidly strove for in order to show people I was worth it. I hated it so much. I did too much, worked too hard, climbed too high, to make others see me as someone worth their acceptance. That I was worth a second look in comparison to my fellow man, whom I had already been placed on a scale with. 

Imagine having the same constant, annoying, depressing words said to you over and over and over and over again. By the ones you love, no less. Imagine always being told that the people closest to you were better than you in every way, shape and form. Imagine having that image painted in front of you and that was all you saw. You eventually took it as reality and it was hard to believe anything else. Imagine having to look at your friends whom you're constantly compared to and grow in resentment toward because of someone's opinion. Sucks, doesn't it? Welcome to the years of hellish cycles that was my life. Constantly being told these things and unfortunately coming to inconclusive conclusion that they were true. I couldn't look myself in the mirror and see what others loved and cared for. Only what I wasn't, hadn't been and would never be. I felt like a failure. In every sense of the word. 

 I'll never forget the night my brothers and I spent Christmas together, riding around and eating at IHOP. While on our way there, a lively car ride had already been in motion. Conversation and laughter as we all caught up with one another after months of little communication. But what with our busy lives, it was understandable. Though, I had very little to do with the liveliness that took place. I paid no mind to them and kept silent in the passenger seat. Fine, I had been doing, until one of my brothers called me out of my social isolation from the rest of the boys. Inquiring on my well-being, he pointed out that over the years, he had seen me do this constantly whenever we got together. He also made sure to stress that if I didn't want to talk about it, it wasn't going to be forced. I had a choice to make: pretend everything was okay or come clean and let go of it. We reached the designated eatery and shortly after being seated, the truth came out. I never thought that most of ANYTHING that I felt toward myself and harbored towards my friends, my brothers, would ever see the light of day in the form of my own words. Not the easiest thing in the world, but thank God for them. 

Never once did they judge me for my battles. Not once that night, did they turn me away or turned from me because of the way I felt. Meaningful exhortation, fruitful words, and righteous encouragement were gifted to me by the very brothers I felt so insignificant around that Christmas (ironic, huh?). A secret I didn't have to hide any longer, a hold on my mind was lifted by the truth that took me years to pay forward. I didn't have to prove myself worthy of them and, in the end, they taught me a valuable lesson that night. I will never have to.

 

I was blessed with an identity that not everyone will come to see the same way. And I'm okay with that. Is the temptation to compare myself to others still a problem today? It is. That's just the crucial moment where I have to hold captive those thoughts and reel them in, then throw away. I don't have to be anything to prove myself to anyone. I just have to be me. Exactly how He created, crafted, molded, sculpted, intended, purposed, fearfully and wonderfully made me.

 

 I am because I Am says I am.

 

Joshua.

#wordsbyjoshy