I AM THE LOSER

 my name is weak

i walk tall with the utmost confidence

putting on the brightest smile a face has ever contorted to looking real

i’m very good at masking my emotions with this childlike demeanor 

(disclaimer, i’m hurt)

faking it til making it, when i’m constantly losing fights

holding back this tsunami my eyes only find comfort in unleashing in the dark of night

i keep my head to the clouds so my pain tolerance couldn’t be any higher

but beyond these scars that run deep 

there isn’t a nimbus cloud that can reach the height of escape i desire

what i lack in strength, i more than make up for in lies to make myself seem bigger

unfortunately, i developed a newfound resentment toward my brothers

i’ve lost the respect of my father and love of my mother

find my friendships are only getter harder to uncover and slipping like butter

and took to porn to feel better about falling short of obtaining a significant other 

still eye to eye

i turned blindly from one distraction

to another bad decision 

facing my issues with no vision

i sought menial pleasure causing division

subtracting the Creator from the equation

increasing the intensity of my battle

by a multiple of 8 years

i was at war and i didn’t even know it

a fraction of it spent chasing skirts

where making an obtuse “connection”

was merely an acute means to an end

adding more commas to the amount hurt

i caused Him

all while having the audacity to label myself 

Christian,

compared to my companions

baby brothers and sisters

from other mothers and countless misters

making them out to be champions

and i was the underdog stuck in my rut

the size of the Grand Canyon

i’m only human

yet i face judgement from God and man

for my lack

i have nothing, therefore i am nothing, right?

i have no more than the next man

way less than my best friends

nothing at all to offer to a girlfriend

and i have the gaul to wanna walk with You to the very end

even when i’ve broken every vow that was deserving of consequence

You came for me

saw me at my lowest

descended lower and died for a lowly wretch

despite my deplorable deeds

Your Grace gradually gained my attention

vindicating a villain of his violations and gave him victory

Promised, Prominent, Perfect Priest

went out of His way to pay an ultimate price to have purchased me

and tagged me priceless 

found me bound by the chains of my mortality due to a lack of morality, set me free

picked up the pieces, and presented me with purpose

regardless of anything, and though my merits merit nothing 

You gave up everything

bankrupted the Heavens

for this imperfect perfection

this weakling

this loser

this sinner above all things

who You still call(ed) Yours,

me.