Honest Moment

Hey.

How are you?

That’s good.

Me?

Not gonna lie to any of you. I’m not okay. Not entirely, anyway. Things haven’t been the greatest in life. Mostly due to my hardheaded ross and inability to keep promises I make to myself. Not to mention that I haven’t been completely honest with myself. So I’m going to take the time and be just that. Honest.

Let’s start with the GINORMOUS elephant in the room. I don’t trust God as much as I say I do. Yep! As much as I encourage others to do this thing, I myself have very little trust in Him. Which has resulted in the constant misdirection, reckless decision making and stupid antics I get myself into. There are days where hearing from God has been MASSIVELY difficult and the very fact that I can’t hear anything at all makes me question His being by my side altogether. So as of late, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. Seeking satisfaction in places where it shouldn’t pertain to me, losing the same battles over and over again, unwise decisions that cause my relationships to crumble from under me. I wanted to give you all this update with my life just be real with all of you and to reassure you that you’re not alone in the world. 

One of my favorite songs my one of my favorite lyricists, NF, is called “Just Like You”. The ballad begins with, 

“Just in case my car goes off the highway

Or the plane that I get on decides that it's my last day

I want you to know when you're alone and you feel afraid

You're not the only person in the world that isn't okay”,

and the first time I heard this, I played it back IMMEDIATELY. I love his music because of the simplicity in his lyrics. What seems like a chorus of just plain words with no wordplay or scheme carries a dangerously powerful tone and message. It continues,

“There's millions of us just like you, like you, like you

Just like you, like you

There's millions of us just like you, like you, like you

Just like you, like you”.

And it’s true! There are MILLIONS upon BILLIONS of people on this planet and they are just like me in way, shape, form or another. At some point, you’ve felt like the outcast, the loser, the black sheep, the lowest of the low, the garbage person, the good-for-nothing, the worthless, and the list goes on. You’ve been so messed up. I HAVE BEEN SO MESSED UP. I tried finding solace in the things that seek to tear me down. I.E. my own flesh. We’ll get to that later, though. My point is, you’re not the only one. To some, I seem like this pillar of spiritual greatness or a pinnacle social class. But underneath, I’m still a scared little boy in desperate need of direction. 

However…I don’t trust Him enough to give it to me.

For a long time, I’ve always told God and myself that I’d let go of my own ambitions and desires to submit to His will and purpose for me. Unfortunately, I picked up this funny little habit of NOT following through with my prayers and disciplines and doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I sought to do in the first place. Enter ONCE A-FREAKING-GAIN, my flesh.

I hate this thing so much. It does everything I want only to make me feel like an idiot and probably the most dirtiest person I’ve ever looked at in the mirror. It makes me feel good in the moment that I desire to feel good only to make feel worst about myself. Prayer after prayer for strength and deliverance were met with a lack of faith and self control on my part. Then, would have the AUDACITY to come back to Him. I know that’s what He expects me to do, but it always felt more and more pointless, worthless even, to do so when I know I was wrong. The constant tears, heartache, and frustration that I faced because I was tired of my needs not being met. In other words, I HATE BEING SINGLE! 

If I’m honest, I haven’t trusted God in ANY WAY throughout my single life. Haven’t listened to Him when He’s clearly trying to give me instructions. Not to mention my blatant disobedience toward Him when I do exactly what He doesn’t want me to do. At this point, why not just drop me? I already gave up on myself and persist to destroy my mind, body and spirit while indulging in sin. Why hasn’t He done the same? I ask myself these questions while looking at the man in the mirror to try to cope with the fact that I’m guilty. And the easier it was to accept and live with my guilt, the easier the pain in feeling as though He wasn’t there for me anymore would be to accept as a reality. As if nothing else matters now. He doesn’t care, so why should I? So I continue with the porn and the masturbation. Continued in seeking pleasure from random people I meet online. Continued to suffer through the mental, spiritual, emotional, financial, social and physical pain it caused me. I didn’t care, though. Who cares, really?

PLOT TWIST! He does care. He never stopped. And the sooner I got that through my thick skull, the more peace and joy I’d be able to feel again. A couple friends of mine once said to me that one of my character flaws, or “toxic trait” as they put it, is that I’m stubborn. I couldn’t argue with them on that. Aside from the fact that it would only prove their point, it’s undeniably true. Perhaps it’s that same stubbornness that aided me to keep God at arms length. And I gotta tell you, it wasn’t worth it. 

Not a day goes by where I wish I could’ve done something different. But rather look to my past, I focus toward the future. Even tomorrow. There are a lot of things I wish I’d done differently, but it may be for the best. From what I’ve learned and who has taught me along the way, what never seems to fail is His undying love for a wretch like me. From the sacrifice He made to the friends and family He’s placed in my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been ignoring Him for far too long. And as long as I continue to do so, I’m only going to feel further away from Him. 

This is my encouragement to you. Be honest with yourself. If you think God isn’t with you, tell Him that. However, think twice before you do something, say something, think something reckless, irresponsible or just stupid about yourself or toward anything or anyone else. He’s closer than you think. He’s still listening. He’s still speaking. And He still loves you. 

This is my honest moment.  When will you have yours?

Grace & Peace.