TRUST w/ Angela Hill

 there’s a war inside me

i fight for the side 

that’s broken apart

its ranks are filled with

people who look like me

they fight for themselves

for survival

concerned with their well-being

i don’t wanna live like that

but it’s so much easier

heart conflicts with my mind

while my mind is at

odds with my body and

my body’s only concerned with

his next orgasm

i’m lost

they don’t trust one another

anymore 

And nor do i, You

i’m sorry

but i don’t think i can

anymore 

i’m not sure i can give You

all of me

i tried once

and failed twice

i tried again

i died three times more

and with every attempt

to live

i die a little more

i hate this

but i love You

so do i hate You?

no...

i just don’t know if

i want to trust You anymore

i hate the way i claim

to submit to Your rule

only to see You as nothing more than

more than a tool

like a genie in a bottle

my trust only goes as far

as i’m able to carry You

and while i play devil’s advocate

like a fool

the fact of the matter is sometimes…

i don’t trust You

The Breakdown:

T: is for time -- the unseen worry that affects all of the human race;  we constantly declare we simply don’t have enough of it or is it because we don’t trust in a timeless God that can help us manifest the dreams He has bestowed upon us? Therefore not trusting in the time He has given us.

R: is for rushing-- time that we claim we do not have but how can we claim such a thing if we do not manage it well to the best of our ability? As we blame others for our poor time management. We still watch the time go by as a Netflix show as we sit on our hands and watch the clock pass us by. Wasting the borrowed time given to us. 

U: is for the unknown--He is the alpha and omega, beginning and the end. He can give us the ending of the story but the middle is a complete mystery and the start was from a place of loss because we were not yet found. We are already squandering what is already not ours. We live off borrowed time as if we have the time. Life is given and it is unknown when our time will be up.

S: is for savor-- soak up the unknown borrowed time with the kinfolk that you have discerned to be in your life. Inhale the confidence, exhale the distress. Be confident in “The One” that thought of you before the grass was displayed as the earth’s portrait. 

T: the last “T” is for trust. It always seems to be our last resort anyways…

The Truth About Trust:

Trust hurts, it hurts to be vulnerable. To let the deepest darkest parts of you be exposed for it to turn around and be distorted and taken advantage of. The funny  thing about trust is that our hearts ache for more of it even after humans have cracked the view of what is actually genuine, authentic, and true. 

Trust caused you to persevere through the draining parts of yourself that can leak sometimes through the deepest layers of your soul. 

Trust is risky, you never know what you will expect in return, it’s easier not to give it but it’s a challenge to get anywhere in growth and transformation if you don’t risk your heart possibly being broken. 

Trust is also strength; channeled correctly it is like an innate habit that can spring forth in your spirit. This risk is only possible because of the originator; there is a God of trust. 

Are you willing to take that risk of putting your dark secrets, time, money, energy into the one that created it? Or are you too damaged by man? Earthly trust has the tendency of destroying the chance of risking trying spiritual trust. 

Have you been there? There lies you and your addiction, you and your doubt, you and your sadness, you and your shame, you and your bitterness, you and your anxiety. Do they spend the night every night as you think about what it’s like to live a life where trust resides next to you? Yet also lives in you by the power of His Holy Spirit.

Trust is a small word but holds weight like no other you can’t get far without it. 

Therefore I leave you with this: God is not a man that He shall lie.

Are you willing to trust that as time goes by?