HONEST MOMENT #3: APOLOGY LETTER

TO MY FRIENDS,

It has come to my attention that I’ve lacked in my responsibility to keep up with all of you. Being there to check on you as often as I used to was a thing for me and I traded that for distractions and excuses not to. Nothing hurts more than the feeling of losing most of your time. And while “life” hits us in various fashions, I’d say it’s hardly an excuse for any of the lapse in communication between us. Even more so, I’d also say that the choices I’ve made and the consequences of said choices play a role in the gap that serves as the distance between us. Whether it was the harsh words of my jagged tongue or the lack of responsibility found in the actions taken along the way. I’m sorry. At first thought, I just assumed that you were only offended because of the way my words or deeds made you feel, so I didn’t think there was much to apologize for. True that may be for some, however, for a good number of you, I did offend you directly. Never my intent, but it hurt you all the same. I didn’t mean to. Then again, I always don’t mean to do certain things. I hope you can all find your hearts to forgive me for not taking care of what we have or had and maintaining it properly. Known or unknown, I strive to mend fences with any of you that I’ve broken them with. My relationship with you all used to mean something to me and I discarded and disregarded you all without a hint of remorse. And you didn't deserve that from anyone. Let alone, someone, you called your “friend”. I can understand if the time for moving forward has already expired or run its course. If not, and at the very least, hopefully, we can pick up the pieces where we left them and move forward from there. I love you guys too much. And while my words are just as they are, I strive to show that to you again. 

TO MY FAMILY,

The scope of my life has always been something you’d hope to be happy with as long as I remained within the parameters of your expectations. The moment I branched out and did otherwise, you disowned me. The day that I chose to make various changes and decisions that were for the cause of my happiness, peace, and joy, it became a problem. Some of you can barely look at me. Others of you are proud of me. A number of you don’t have the heart or the stomach to talk to me. And though I try to be the best me I can possibly be, your side eyes and sharp tongues make that very hard for me. I used to hate myself because of you. And now, I just want to apologize for not making you happy. Not making you at the forefront of my ideals and beliefs; doing everything possible to make you proud. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m not sorry for what I’ve done to make sure I’m happy. I’m only apologizing for how it makes you feel. Keep in mind though, that I’d do it all again. I don’t write this letter to you because I have hate for you, bitter indignation maybe, but NOT HATE. I write this because I want to let out the frustration of what you make me feel on a daily basis. I’m no prize either. I do apologize for my tendency to lash out in anger and use my words to recklessly prove a point. I could have been better with them. As should you have been, but blame-shifting gets us nowhere. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me as work to forgive you as well. Hopefully, at the very least, we can pick up the pieces and go forward from here. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done and love each and every one of you. Don’t forget that. However, do please remember loving you from a distance is not an indictment on you but for the benefit me.

TO MY FATHER,

i hardly think that i am in a position to even talk to You. Composing the words to even express my apologies to You is the most challenging part of this letter. You didn’t deserve any of the offenses that i served. Nor did i deserve any of the grace that You showed me every day. Our relationship used to mean something to me and i threw it all away for the distraction of my flesh. Gave it all up for the carnal desires that were unattainable and stupid. i used to be something, someone, because of You. Because of You, i used to love myself knowing that i was made in Your image. Listening to Your voice and reading Your written Word; used to mean something to me. Now, all i wanted are blessings and breakthroughs. A handout as well as a way out with the promise of a good life at the end of the tunnel. i’m sorry. i’m sorry for ignoring You. For being away for so long. For choosing to be distant. For making every excuse possible to go back to the same pattern of behaviors and blame everyone and everything else but myself for choosing to cater to my selfish and self-destructive desires. For making You a genie-in-a-bottle God rather than regarding You as my Heavenly Father, King, and Creator. My Master. i pray You can forgive a wretch like me for my constant backsliding while giving me the strength to forgive myself. i desire to love You again just as You do me. my biggest prayer is that, at the very least, we can pick up where we left off.

DEAR ME,

Looking at you has been hard lately. The mirror just screams at me whenever I pass a glance in your direction and even then, it’s hard not to notice the pain in your eyes. You’re hurt. And I have a lot to do with that. You didn’t deserve it, the pain I caused you. You didn’t need them in your life, the people I brought into it. You didn’t have to go through it, the courses and obstacles I put you through. You needn’t have had to put up with the crap I gave you. And yet, here we are. I cry every time I think about how far I’ve gotten us with my running things. It shouldn’t have happened. The desires we craved and served, the women we talked to, the porn we watched, the constant masturbating, the unhealthy need for relationships for the sole purpose of sex, the lack of prayer, bad spending habits, and constantly having to borrow from friends and family, neglecting friends and family, allowing guilt and shame to keep us away from friends and family, getting in our own way, etc. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I neglected you. I’m sorry that I forgot to love you. I’m sorry that I gave up on you. I’m sorry for playing a part in the emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and social damage you’ve suffered over the past couple of years. The amount of neglect and fake smiles can’t fix anything overnight, I realize this, but my biggest hope is that at the very least, we can pick up the pieces of the shattered image that were God’s perfect image and start over. I want to love you again. And mean it this time. No more excuses. No more distractions. No more self-pity. Just you and me.