Do I FEAR You? (HONEST MOMENT #4)

    The fear of the Lord adds length to life, 

        but the years of the wicked are cut short. 

(Proverbs 10:27)

    My life pretty much goes like this: I wake up, look for my phone, scroll through Twitter, search for content to wake me up, and if necessary, handle business in accordance with my flesh's selfish desires. The sad part? It is all intentional. 

    I take the blame for a lot of things that are wrong with my life. Why I can't advance, why I'm always falling short, why I can never be stable, why I continually lose every fight. I am the problem. I'm 27 years old and I am still the problem. The problem is, I still try to sweep it under the rug. I want to pretend it isn't there and just simply live on like nothing is wrong at the present moment. But that is the current issue, isn't it? The fact that I am unable to consider even myself and place my problems, factors, issues, and sins on the table and get the weight off my shoulders. To lighten the load such a burden has caused me to lug around for as long as I have, and even longer than it should have been. But I keep walking through the same trenches, digging a deeper grave, attempting to fill the empty hole that is in my soul with nothing that lasts forever, futilely seating EVERYTHING ELSE on the throne of my heart, only for it to die and rot there until I find some other temporary substitute to fill its place. Then again, I have only myself to blame, don't I? It's You that should've sitting there from the very beginning. It's You who should've had my undivided attention. It's You who should've had my immovable obedience. It's You who should've had me. I came to the altar. Over and over and over and over again. I said the sinner's prayer. I claimed repentance. I promised to change. So why can't I?

    Am I even a Christian? Was I ever? Will I ever be?

    I am supposed to FEAR You, right?

    So why don't I?

    Is it because I know You'll forgive me regardless of me? Or maybe I've just been so self-centered, I hadn't been able to see the way that I've broken Your heart as many times as I've had. And yet You chose to give me a new day to see. Even a new year. How stubborn must I have been to allow my flesh unfettered access to my very being and cause You such pain. A pain You would have gladly taken again and again for MY sake if You had to. Instead of taking up my cross, I nailed You to it day after noon after night. I've damaged my body for no reason, distanced my heart from You for too long, and even destroyed good relationships. All in the name of complacency and selfishness.

    "there is good, then there is evil

        they are as different as day is from night

    they dwell in realms of their own

        so opposite from one another

    that where i stood should have been clear

        yet the line seemed almost impossible to find

    does one bad deed make me the villain

        am i to blame for it all

    because of a few mistakes 

        and a hundred bad decisions

    in the end, the answers don't come easy

        it's supposed to be simple

    i'm supposed to be good

        but i'm not."

    I'm supposed to fear You. However, my actions as of late do not prove nor stand with the professions that exude from my lips. I articulate the context of Your love but abuse the grace that I'm shown daily for the sake of my flesh. I serve willingly, willfully, and without hesitation, Your people, for the sake of Your ministry, only to go home and be a hypocrite. I wake in the morning, not to pray or seek Your face, but wallow in my self-righteousness and hope to seek forgiveness later.

    I DO NOT FEAR YOU.

    I want to, though. Not to be afraid of Your punishments, but to revere Your holiness and majesty. To worship You as King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The good God of a living and dying world. Whose words live on even after the grass withers and flowers fade. The God of my past, present, and future. My yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The God of my life. My heart. My mind. My spirit. Abba, Adonai, Alpha & Omega, Attiyq Youm, Christos, El Chay, El Chuwl, El Deah, El Elyon, El Gibhor, El Olam, El Roi, El Shaddai, Elohim, Jehovah, Jehovah-Bore, Jehovah-Jireh, Jehovah-M'Kaddesh, Jehovah-Nissi, Jehovah-Rapha, Jehovah-Rohi, Jehovah-Sabbaoth, Jehovah-Shalom, Jehovah-Shammah, Jehovah-Tsidkenu, Jehovah-Tsuri, Jesus, Logos, Ma'on, and Messiah. The same God that You are, have been and always will be.

    I WANT TO FEAR YOU AGAIN. 

    Father,

    Help me to love You again.

    Help me to Fear You, thus bringing about the change in my heart and wisdom in my life.

    To count my days and remember death. For its touch is not far from me. Nor am I excluded from its reality.

    It is in Your Mighty and Precious Name, I pray.

    Amen.

Grace and Peace.